Saturday, January 24, 2009

To Cheat (talk, communicate)... or not to. THAT is the question.

Had an interesting conversation with my husband tonight. Didn't really get anything resolved, but it was an interesting conversation nonetheless.

I have always said, when I get married, if at any point in my relationship my husband is in the process of beginning ANY kind of relationship with someone else, be it emotional or physical, I want him to tell me so I can have the chance to fix what I need to fix. Let me know the thought has entered your mind, and that somehow I'm not living up to my end of this marriage bargain. Give me the chance to do what I can do to make it better before you pass the point of no return. I think that is the ultimate communication. That is the ultimate cry for help. That's the ultimate way of staying I still care in a major way and I'm letting you know I need something you're not giving me, and I'd rather have it from you. And that's why I'm giving you the chance.

Now, if I'm in that situation and he tells me what needs to be different and I refuse to listen or make a concession, fine. Go do what you need to do. At that point, I can't fault you for that.

So that's my point of view. I wanna know. Give me that chance. However, he has a COMPLETELY different opinion. He says if you're even thinking about cheating, you're already looking for a way out and your relationship's over. Might as well start backin' up the moving truck. So in response, I said, God forbid this ever happen and I will do my BEST to make sure it doesn't, but in the case that I have the thought in my head that someone might be able to give me something you're not, you don't want to know? You don't want that chance to show me you can step up to the plate before I reach that point? And he said, No. I don't wanna know. If you haven't let me know by that point and if I haven't done my job anyway, the relationship's over. You've already gone down that road mentally and there's no repair.

So that was a different point of view. And really one that I haven't been able to process and understand yet. I guess it's because we both have had completely different experiences. I've had experiences from the view point I was expressing. And he's had first-hand experience with his. We weren't able to reach middle ground. However, we did agree on the fact that communicating our needs consistently, all the time when they present themselves, is the way to keep our relationship healthy. And well, it's been three years and so far so good. And I won't lie, we've tackled some hairy issues that have presented themselves along the way. And tackle them we did. No sweeping under the rug. No just "learning to deal with it." Head on is the only way. But the trick is going to be longevity. We shall see.

I have hope. I'll tell you that.


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