Bed rest

From my very first doctor's appointment in July when the doc first confirmed the pregnancy and checked my blood pressure, he straight up told me bed rest was going to be a possibility "after Christmas". Well, I made it exactly a month past Christmas. At our doctor's appointment last week, my blood pressure was a little elevated and wouldn't go down, so the doc sent us downstairs to the hospital for observation "for a few hours" just to make sure everything was ok.

What?! I'm going to the hospital?! CUE THE STROKE. My blood pressure went from slightly elevated to through the roof in two minutes flat. I was immediately surrounded by doctors and nurses asking me over and over and over again if I was having headaches or seeing flashes of light or having contractions or bleeding. No. No. No. No. No. **between tears** I just want to go home.

Wrong.

They ended up admitting me and keeping me there allll weekend. They put me on blood pressure medication and checking it every four hours (after we were initially out of the woods) for three days. "Sort Of Kind Of Maybe Mild Pre Eclampsia" was the diagnosis, depending on which doctor you asked. My actual doctor had left to go out of town to a conference about thirty minutes after I was admitted-- so we got the fun experience of dealing with on-call docs all weekend. If I've never impressed upon you the importance of healthy relationships and the importance of choosing the right life partner, PLEASE, listen to me now. It is probably the most important thing I've done in my life-- choosing to marry P. He slept in a chair in the hospital for three days when he didn't have to. He brought me every meal so I wouldn't have to eat the nasty hospital food. He rubbed my shoulders and ran his fingers through my hair during blood pressure checks to help me calm down. (I have a bit of White Coat Hypertension- and the baby is just adding to the higher numbers.) And now he's waiting on me hand and foot, while doing dishes, laundry, and picking up the house, now that I'm on strict bed rest. I don't know how single people, people with rocky marriages or less considerate husbands do it. It is not lost on me how unbelievably lucky I am.

While I'm not thrilled about having to leave school three weeks earlier than planned, I am grateful for the rest. I've lost five pounds in water weight just being off my feet over the weekend. When I saw the doctor yesterday he noted how I even looked different since all the swelling had gone down. And my blood pressure was fine, so we're just going to keep doing what we're doing.

As usual, this kiddo is super healthy and happy. He's just upside down in my belly kicking away night and day. He's never shown even the first sign of distress. He's such a trooper. And if things keep going the way they are now, positively, he'll be able to arrive on his own time whenever he's good and ready. This is really important to me, so I hope it works out that way. If my BP spikes and we do have to induce, I'll understand, but I REALLY prefer that not to happen.

We are SO ready for kiddo though. Everything is set. Bags are packed, car seat is in the car. Diapers are ready; his bed is ready. I can not wait to meet him and for the first time see the precious face of this little boy that I've been talking to and feeling wiggle around inside me for the last nine months. I want to hold those little hands and kiss those tiny feet that have been poking out through my stomach the last few weeks. And it's almost time. It's just a matter of days now.

So excited!

Wake Up Call

It's funny interesting how your body prepares you for life with a newborn during pregnancy. Honestly, I haven't gotten a full night's sleep since last May, before I was pregnant. And as you probably know, the sleeplessness just gets worse the further along you go in your pregnancy- at least for me it has. And when you combine that with the lovely hormonal shifts that happen especially in the third trimester, you're asking for a meltdown at some point, right?

I had a moment of clarity at 4 a.m. this morning after getting up for the FIFTH time to go to the bathroom/roll over/change sides to keep the hip pain to a minimum/re-arrange the body pillow/coax at least one side of my sinuses to open up so I can breathe. I was so frustrated at my lack of sleep, because I'm not one of those people who can get up to go to the bathroom and fall right back asleep quickly. The whole ordeal can be up to a 30-45 minute process, just to wake right back up an hour later and start the whole thing over again- all the while knowing that the alarm is going to go off in just a couple of short hours and I'm going to have to put in a full day of wrangling sixteen year olds with all their quirks and craziness. And I know a semblance of this routine will be the norm after kiddo gets here with two notable exceptions: 1) There will be an actual child I'll be taking care of, not just random nuisances from pregnancy keeping me up and 2) There will be no wrangling of 16 year olds or stress about grades or paperwork or meetings that have to get done.

And while I was laying there staring at the clock tick the minutes away at 5 a.m. wishing for sleep and dreading starting my day in two hours, I had moment. A memory. A night 13 months ago in November. At 5 a.m. I awoke and realized I hadn't woken up to go to bathroom since I'd gone to bed at 10 p.m. It broke my heart and I cried myself back to sleep in P's arms. I'd miscarried two days before and the full night of sleep was a devastating reminder of what once was, but was no more. And so this morning, while laying there wishing for sleep, I took a deep breath, felt kiddo swimming and kicking inside me and just said thank you.

Even just in pregnancy I feel like this lil guy is a survivor. I feel like he is SUPPOSED to be here- from a weird sickness I picked up in Mexico after I first conceived, to a month of cluster headaches and steroids at the end of my first trimester, to the random weird aches and pains that are happening to my body, I feel like not only has he hung in there, he's super healthy and growing like a weed as far as anybody can tell. He was MEANT to be here. And he will be here before long.

And I have no reference point for how much I'm going to love this kid. I love looking at my FB page and seeing all my friends who already have children who are expecting another one. They are so excited to meet their new little ones because they've had that experience of holding a new child in their arms and being overwhelmed with the love that comes from having a child. I haven't had that experience before and right now I'm mostly anxious and nervous about the whole thing, but I know it's going to be a completely transformative experience and I can't wait to have it. The only thing I can compare it to is my love for P. It's the most deeply abiding, peaceful and secure love I've ever experienced in my life with another person. And I know it's only going to be a drop in the bucket and a building block for how much I love my son. I can't WAIT to know what that feels like.

So with that, and with six-ish weeks left before I meet him, I'm making a more concentrated effort to be thankful for all these aches and pains and sleepless nights and weird hormones and CONSTANT stuffy nose knowing that the relationship that will come out of it will be more than I ever could have dreamed it would be.

Month 8

Sometimes I catch P staring at my belly and laughing. Neither of us can believe how big it's getting. Easy mobility is really getting to be a thing of the past at this point. We're at 32 weeks and counting. I can't believe how quickly it's all flown by. It's been months of crazy anxiety and weird pains and waiting and wondering what life's going to be like with a little man child around. But we've had some really, really good moments. And these are my two favorites:

- the night we were laying in bed and P wrapped his arms around my belly and asked me if it was okay if he held the baby.

- how kiddo seems to take Wednesdays off and I get so worried that something is wrong because I don't feel him for a while. Then one Thursday morning, I was up at 5:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep and P was already leaving for work, as usual. When I told him I loved him and hoped he'd have a good day, kiddo did a major back flip in my tummy at the exact same time. And it made me excited about our new little family.

It's just a few weeks til the baby shower, and then we'll be ready for kiddo to make his debut into the world and become a part of our family. It can't get here quickly enough!

It's been a month since I've blogged. It's crazy how when you find out you're having a baby (at least your first one) you use every single second of every day thinking about that baby. What's he gonna be like? What's our life gonna be like? Am I gonna be one of those crazy women who breaks down and hates motherhood at first? Am I gonna be one of those saints who LOVES breastfeeding and NO IT DOESN'T HURT AT ALL and I can't imagine being more happy than I am right at this moment with this wonderful newborn? What's it's gonna be like?

I spend most of my days pondering these things. Reactions and advice from people runs the gamut from one extreme to the other. Of course, there's no shortage of "Just wait..." comments. And the "You're going to love it" comments are admittedly few and far between. But I thrive on them. Word to the wise: Don't discourage new moms before they have their babies. Just don't do it. If you don't have something positive, or at the very least, constructive or helpful to say, just keep it to yourself. Motherhood is a challenge. We all know that. But don't tell me how much it sucked for you in the beginning and in the same breath tell me how much you don't regret it. Tell me the good things that came out of it. Tell me how you survived. Tell me what you learned. Don't just tell me how much it sucked. Because then I think, Wow. You went on to have more kids. Was it just a lack of birth control or what?

I have one friend, maybe two, and that's it who continually remind me how empowering it is becoming a mother. How life changes, yes, but you become this totally new, stronger, better person than you thought you'd ever be. They tell me yes, you'll be tired, but you'll cherish those late night feedings and the relationship you'll have with your baby. And I love the encouragement. There needs to be more of that in the world. So I really am looking forward to making it a positive experience. I'm determined to.

I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment of the amount of things we have left to do and the little time we have left to do it. 3D ultrasound is coming up this weekend, then we've got docs appointments every two weeks; we need to pre register at the hospital, register for the child birth class and the breast feeding class. I've got a host of things yet to buy before the kid gets here as it pertains to things I'll need at the hospital and things we'll need immediately when we come home. And I've got about 2 1/2- 3 months to get it all done. I can't believe how quickly this is flying by. I remember in my first trimester saying to someone how slowly everything was moving- it was going to be a long nine months. Not anymore. This belly is literally getting bigger every day. And it won't be long before kiddo is here and we're thrown into the deep end. I am SO ready for it!

Four Years

Today is my wedding anniversary. Four years ago, Poncho and I said our vows, which occurs to me now did not include the words "I DO", and promised to love, support, and encourage each other in the best ways we knew how. And so far, we're batting a thousand. He makes a good point when he tells me, every year we seem to get better- and not just our relationship, because it pretty consistently stays awesome, but our life together seems to move up a rung on the ladder every year. We accomplish more, we learn new things, and we feel better about where were are in life. That's pretty cool. I feel really lucky that we're not one of those couples who have had to "go through some really hard times" to learn how to appreciate each other. We haven't had to royally screw it all up, just to figure out how it's supposed to work. And I'm very, VERY thankful for that. I hope we can stay on that road.

And now we have a son on the way. I can't put into words how that feels. Mostly because it's completely overwhelming. He was very much planned for but still felt like a surprise when we found out he'd be making his arrival in nine months. Yet, he wasn't a surprise at all. I married his dad knowing he was the only man I ever wanted to have children with. And now that we'll have a son together, I can't IMAGINE my child having a better father. He's a source of constant hilarity, immense care and compassion, and one of the best communicators I've ever known. He thinks things through rationally but still feels things deeply. And he's not afraid to talk about it. We've been together over six years now, and he still sends me text messages after he leaves for work at 6 a.m. telling me how much he loves me and hopes I have a good day. And he still takes time out of his busy schedule to ask me how my days are going. He's pretty much the most thoughtful people I know. He knows how to love and be loved. And he's hands down the hardest worker I've ever met. And I hope our son follows his example.

I feel extremely fortunate to have landed my husband. And I love that his marriage proposal was pretty much a microcosm of how our whole relationship would be. It caught me completely off guard and he didn't got the traditional route and get down on one knee. He hugged me tight and said, I know I'm supposed to be on my knee, but I have to be holding you when I ask you this. My heart jumped about a million miles in the air, his voice was shaking and he asked me to be his wife. And then he gave me the ring he'd been carrying around in his pocket all weekend. Then I said yes.

And here we are years later. We don't always take the traditional route, but it's worked for us. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm a lucky girl. And I never, NEVER want to take that for granted.

Finally!

The 20 week wait to find out who my child is was EXCRUCIATING. You people who don't find out the sex, I don't understand you at ALL. I need a face. I need a name. I need to go ahead and start having conversations with this kiddo. And I can now.

We're having the cutest man-child in the entire world. And I'm NOT biased. See?

We had a really good 20 week doctor's appointment. We went back to do the sonogram first thing. The tech showed us his head first- his profile. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl yet. When I saw his face, I immediately thought, this is a boy... or a girl that realllly looks like P. Then the tech found a leg. She pointed it out and said, "Ok, here's a leg." And then everything else magically appeared on the screen and I said, "Whoa! That's a BOY!" And she laughed and said, "Yeah, I guess I don't have to point anything out on this one." There were all his boy parts out and proud. :) I'll spare him the embarrassment of posting pictures of his boy parts in utero, but I have them and I'll keep them on file for future reference.

The tech took lots of measurements and told us we have a very active little guy. It took her like five times to get a heart rate on him because every time she locked in on his heart, he'd move. We got to see his little feet wiggle and his little arms and hands move around. His arm and hand were up over his head when we were taking pictures, and I had the tech just double check to make sure he wasn't sucking his thumb. I need to know now if I need to start saving for braces. Thankfully, he wasn't.

Then we waited for the doctor to see us after the ultrasound. My blood pressure was good, so that was nice. And the doctor came in and explained all the ultrasound measurements to us. Kiddo is measuring at exactly 20 weeks gestation which is awesome, the doc said. This means he's perfectly proportioned. He said you shoot for a two week window on all his major organs and limbs and that doesn't always happen. So since kiddo is measuring 20 weeks exactly, he said we have a little over achiever on our hands already. :)

He also explained that they looked at all 4 of his heart chambers, his brain, his spine, and his kidneys and everything looks perfect and they have ruled out 95% of major defects in those areas. So that's a MAJOR relief. I said to the doctor, "So everything is ok?" And he said, "No, it's MORE than OK. This kid and this pregnancy look GREAT." So those are very reassuring words- especially after everything I went through during the first trimester. So we're all smiles on this end!

Thirty-Two

So I spent a few minutes this morning reading back over old blog posts from my birthday- 2004, 2005. Turning 24 and 25. Ah, young and carefree those days were.

Then we grow up. And get married. And HAVE BABIES. OMG. I'M HAVING A BABY. I'm not gonna lie, my belly shocked me a little when I looked in the mirror this morning. And I let out a, "WHOA, TINA!" at how big it's getting.

(We call the baby Tina right now. As in EAT THE FOOD, TINA.)

And it's my birthday. Thirty-one was a pretty good year. It went by super quickly. That's what they say, the older you get, the faster each year goes by. And I have no point of reference for how quickly thirty-two will fly by with this baby on the way. But it's all forward progress. Onward and upward every year so far. It just keeps getting better and I'm SO thankful for that.

I think this year, I've learned I have certain strengths I didn't realize I had. And I've learned to let things be. We can't always change things we don't like. We have to accept and adapt. And I've also learned the value of being patient and waiting. So it's been another productive year of learning and growing up. And I'm really excited to see what thirty-two holds. :)