Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wake Up Call

It's funny interesting how your body prepares you for life with a newborn during pregnancy. Honestly, I haven't gotten a full night's sleep since last May, before I was pregnant. And as you probably know, the sleeplessness just gets worse the further along you go in your pregnancy- at least for me it has. And when you combine that with the lovely hormonal shifts that happen especially in the third trimester, you're asking for a meltdown at some point, right?

I had a moment of clarity at 4 a.m. this morning after getting up for the FIFTH time to go to the bathroom/roll over/change sides to keep the hip pain to a minimum/re-arrange the body pillow/coax at least one side of my sinuses to open up so I can breathe. I was so frustrated at my lack of sleep, because I'm not one of those people who can get up to go to the bathroom and fall right back asleep quickly. The whole ordeal can be up to a 30-45 minute process, just to wake right back up an hour later and start the whole thing over again- all the while knowing that the alarm is going to go off in just a couple of short hours and I'm going to have to put in a full day of wrangling sixteen year olds with all their quirks and craziness. And I know a semblance of this routine will be the norm after kiddo gets here with two notable exceptions: 1) There will be an actual child I'll be taking care of, not just random nuisances from pregnancy keeping me up and 2) There will be no wrangling of 16 year olds or stress about grades or paperwork or meetings that have to get done.

And while I was laying there staring at the clock tick the minutes away at 5 a.m. wishing for sleep and dreading starting my day in two hours, I had moment. A memory. A night 13 months ago in November. At 5 a.m. I awoke and realized I hadn't woken up to go to bathroom since I'd gone to bed at 10 p.m. It broke my heart and I cried myself back to sleep in P's arms. I'd miscarried two days before and the full night of sleep was a devastating reminder of what once was, but was no more. And so this morning, while laying there wishing for sleep, I took a deep breath, felt kiddo swimming and kicking inside me and just said thank you.

Even just in pregnancy I feel like this lil guy is a survivor. I feel like he is SUPPOSED to be here- from a weird sickness I picked up in Mexico after I first conceived, to a month of cluster headaches and steroids at the end of my first trimester, to the random weird aches and pains that are happening to my body, I feel like not only has he hung in there, he's super healthy and growing like a weed as far as anybody can tell. He was MEANT to be here. And he will be here before long.

And I have no reference point for how much I'm going to love this kid. I love looking at my FB page and seeing all my friends who already have children who are expecting another one. They are so excited to meet their new little ones because they've had that experience of holding a new child in their arms and being overwhelmed with the love that comes from having a child. I haven't had that experience before and right now I'm mostly anxious and nervous about the whole thing, but I know it's going to be a completely transformative experience and I can't wait to have it. The only thing I can compare it to is my love for P. It's the most deeply abiding, peaceful and secure love I've ever experienced in my life with another person. And I know it's only going to be a drop in the bucket and a building block for how much I love my son. I can't WAIT to know what that feels like.

So with that, and with six-ish weeks left before I meet him, I'm making a more concentrated effort to be thankful for all these aches and pains and sleepless nights and weird hormones and CONSTANT stuffy nose knowing that the relationship that will come out of it will be more than I ever could have dreamed it would be.


Amber said...

Ashly, I am so excited for you! You will be such a wonderful mama and the love you have for him will be like no other!

tomorrowsmemoriesphotography said...

This was beautiful! It's all about perspective isn't it?
So happy for you! I wish you lived closer... I'd love to be your photographer :).

suffgrace209 said...

You've come along way and the days and years ahead will be more blessings than you can imagine.

Lasha said...

Ashly-that' was unbelieveably beautiful!! it is indescribable how much a mom loves her son. Enjoy the ride because it's a crazy beautiful one that you will never get off.