Monday, February 23, 2009

I want to cover you with...

Ass bees and honey, and take a picture for the cover of our album.

Ass bees? What's an ass bee? That's a line from the new and very angry Blue October song. I sing along with it on the radio and I always say, I want to cover you with ass bees and honey, and take a picture for the cover of our album. Turns out it's ants, bees, and honey. Not ass bees. So there's one for ya.

Anywho. Had kind of a long day today. Nothing much happened, just one of those days when it's more of the same 'ol and nothing interesting really happens. Had an emotional moment at home tonight. Thank god i was by myself and the husband wasn't home yet. I was watching my DVR'd episode of Big Love from last night. Do you ever have those moments when you see something on TV or a really great scene in a movie that you totally personally connect with? And it throws you back to a time when that was true in your own life, or a time when you wanted it to be true? In this particular episode, Sara (the otherwise perfect teenage daughter) is dealing with her uber undercover pregnancy and trying to decide what to do about it without her (very religious and very mormon) parents finding out. And at the end of the episode after she's struggled through the decision between adoption and raising the child on her own, she decides to keep it. Then she miscarries. The shot is just her sitting on the toilet crying uncontrolably and sobbing "I'm losing my baby." Sheesh.

As if that wasn't enough, they end with a scene with no dialogue, just music, "Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling..." when she has told her parents about the entire ordeal. And her mother looks at her, cries, and hugs her daughter. That was so hard for me to watch. It was a very moving episode and it made me aware and sad all over again that I didn't have anyone there for me in some very important life-altering moments of my youth. No one. Even at one point, when my parents did become aware of something that had occurred, there were no hugs. There were no tears. Except from me. Just anger and shame. And that was brought to the forefront again tonight when I watched that episode of Big Love. And it made me sad again.

My mom always says, People only do what they know to do at the time. And it's not always the right thing. I just know that I hope I never leave my children or my loved ones alone to go through something potentially devastating. I never want to be so selfish that I only see my own perspective and forget that there are real, hurting people involved. And I guess that was the lesson today.

Kind of a bummer. But a good one nonetheless.


tomorrowsmemoriesphotography said...

we are 2 peas in a pod. this made me sad.
love you even though i barely know you!