Sunday, November 23, 2008

Sometimes Desperation is Funny.

Especially after you're married.

Poncho and I decided to go out and celebrate after the bloodbath that was the OU/Tech game last night. So we headed downtown about 11 p.m. to our usual spot, The Double Wide, knowing that it was the 5 Year Anniversary party, and that it would probably be pretty packed. We were right. We picked the Double Wide a couple of years back to be our "spot", because it's pretty much on the fringe of the whole Dallas bar scene, yet it's not a total hole in the wall. It's cool enough where you can get awesome drinks from friendly bartenders, see plenty of tattoos and homeless musician types, and the stuffies in their designer brands stay a couple of miles up the road in downtown. It's good times without fail.

But last night I had less of a good time than I usually have. This place was PACKED. And on a good night, the Double Wide holds maybe a hundred or so people. There were well over a hundred people pushing and shoving their way to bar last night. So it made for kind of an uncomfortable experience, but I got some good people watching in nonetheless.

We were getting our Roger Clyne Stance on at the bar (keeping our spot) and listening to the conversations around us. Next to me was a fairly young twenty something girl, with a private school bob hair cut and braces. She didn't look like the usual clientele. Behind her is a dude in a ball cap and gotee, although I immediately notice he's bald. (Sometimes if you can't pull off the thining hair look, it's better to just shave it smooth. He had it down.) And I hear him say to the girl, "No really, I used to work for Apple." She oooh'd and ahh'd for a second. And then she said, "I really would like to call you." I gave her props for being so forward and just putting it out there. He was dumbfounded a little. I could tell he didn't know what to do next, but after a few seconds he pulled out his phone to get her number and give her his.

Then he goes in for the kill. "Why don't we go somewhere after this?" Wow. Wrong move dude. Are you looking at the same girl I'm looking at? I'm figuring she has to walk right out the door and call mommy and daddy to let them know what time she'll be home. And she shoots him down, "I wish I could, but I'm with my friends and I can't leave them. They're taking me home." He's fighting for his life at this point, "But I have a car! I can take you!" Then she says, "I know, but I barely know you. I just met you!" He says, "Fair enough," and stands in defeat holding his beer. Then it gets worse. She launches into an emotional spill about how her boyfriend of two years just dumped her and she doesn't trust men right now. And at this point I'm sooo wanting to pull each of them aside and give them both some pointers, because this is the very reason both of them are desperately seeking out someone in random bars-- and failing miserably, I might add.

Then she hits him with it. "I mean, if I DID let you take me home, what would you do? I mean, would you just take me home or would you try to get me to come home with you?" And listening to this, my heart lept a little. I'm like DUDE! She's giving you an in! Please be smooth. This is an obvious good girl attempt to get you not ONLY to take her home, but to take her to YOUR home and do all the dirty little things you KNOW she wants you to do to her but that she's too embarrassed to even say. Otherwise she would have walked away long before now. You know how good girls are. It's the most complicated route to anywhere. And it was everything I could do to not look at both of them and say TIME OUT! And pull him aside and give him some advice that would change his life. Or at least his night.

What he SHOULD have done when she said, "What would you do?" is look her straight in the eye, lean in reeealll close to her ear, and not in a suggestive way, but in a very confident and matter-of-fact way, say, "I would do exactly what you want me to do." Deal sealed. Night's over. You may as well start planning breakfast. But no. He launches into this whole, "I respect you" thing and then opens the door for her to talk even more about her horrible ex who just dumped her. I held my head in my hands in defeat. Another one bites the dust. They both tabbed out and then went their seperate ways into the cold Texas night. Alone. And I went home with a very, very drunk husband.