Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Rounding 2nd...

So at nearly 15 weeks, I feel like I'm finally settling into my second trimester. Things seem to be calming down a bit physically. But I'm still waiting for that whole "you'll have more energy" thing. Then again, I'm sure this baby isn't completely to blame for that part. It IS 110 degrees outside EVERY SINGLE DAY still. So I know once it cools off a little, things will be much sunnier in my world. :)

It's killing me that I have another appointment in a week and a half and technically the doc should be able to tell whether we're having a boy or girl, but he's making us wait all the way to the traditional twenty week sonogram. Oh well. I'm chomping at the bit to start decorating and buying things, but clearly, that's not top priority on his agenda.

I'm also starting to feel a little more hopeful about this pregnancy. I've talked to other moms who all seem to express there's such an expectation that you're supposed to feel certain things during pregnancy and during the newborn months- and when we don't feel those things, we feel like freaks. I've resigned myself to knowing that no matter what I feel or don't feel for that matter, I'm not a freak. All our feelings are valid and come from important places for important reasons.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I couldn't celebrate at all. I wasn't even that happy when I saw the test come up positive. I was just pure 100% worried. And I stayed that way for about 12 weeks. For good reason, I think. I'd miscarried six months before, and the first 11 or so weeks of my pregnancy were absolutely physically and painfully miserable- and not in a normal way. I had two doctors looking at me, saying they'd never seen anybody in my condition in either of their 25 years of practice. So I couldn't help but wonder what the kiddo must be going through.

Then there were the hormones. I sat in the bathtub and cried for nearly an hour one night. I wanted this baby. I wanted to be pregnant. What in the world could I have been thinking?! I was in more physical pain than I'd ever been in my entire life, and my entire world had already changed and I wondered if it would ever go back to even resembling normal again. Fun, which was a major part of my life and marriage before the positive pregnancy test, had ceased to exist. No more fun for me. No more late night house parties for 2 with hubs. And I was tethered to the house for all intents and purposes because of the pain I was in, and also because I was convinced at any minute, something would go wrong and I'd miscarry. I had nothing to look forward to but watching bad television and feeling horrible for the next nine months.

And poor P. What a champ he's been. That night I cried in the bathtub, he came upstairs, tucked me in and laid there and let me cry on him til I fell asleep. And that's how he's been this whole pregnancy. He's completely picked up all the slack around the house because I've been too worn out to do much of it. He's cleaning, doing dishes, taking care of the yard AND trying to finish the master bath remodel. And the times I feel okay and try to help, he tells me to sit down. I know I couldn't have made it through the last 3 months without him. And no way would I have wanted to.

But here we are. Nearing the 4 month mark. I still worry a tiny bit about whether or not our baby will be healthy given the medication I had to take first trimester. Of course the doc says not to worry, but until I see a healthy ultrasound at 20 weeks with one head, 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 fingers, and 10 toes, I won't be completely convinced. But the worry about miscarrying has ended. I feel completely confident that I can carry this pregnancy now. Will it be to term? Who knows. Crazy things happen. But I'm confident I can do the things on my end that I need to do to give this baby the best shot possible at being healthy. So it's nice to have that worry off my plate.

And I feel like the hormones have calmed down quite a bit. The craziness has been replaced by hope and a growing excitement that I'm going to have a CHILD. Craziness. Total and complete insanity. And it's going to be awesome. And I can't wait to see both of my parents with their first grandchild. That moment is going to be almost as rewarding to see as when I get to see my child for the first time. Both of my parents are bursting at the seams with joy, and I can't wait for them to meet this little one.

So the second trimester is looking up. I'm excited about getting to feel the baby (I think I'm already feeling flutters) and see how it grows and progresses. And I'm SUPER excited about finding out if I'm having a boy or girl. Can. NOT. Wait!

And so we carry on!


tomorrowsmemoriesphotography said...

Oh Ashly, I can TOTALLY relate to all your worries. I miscarried my first baby too. It's perfectly normal for you to have the concerns you've had.

When I was pregnant w/ Gabi (now 13), I was a mess until I was able to see w/ my eyes her little body on the ultrasound! She was SOOO perfect & beautiful and I knew the Lord had redeemed my past!

You're going to be such an amazing mommy!!!