Sunday, December 14, 2008

Probably the healthiest (and longest) blog you've ever read...

So after a short weekend at my sister's graduation (both Boyles girls have masters degrees now- woo hoo!), I came home to spend some Q.T. with my husband. I knew he missed me when I was gone! :) (Check his facebook page.)

On my way out of town from Galveston, I went off the beaten path a little from the highway and drove along the sea wall for a mile or so-- just to see the ocean on my way out of town. The wind was blowing hard. The waves were high. The road was empty. Just me, the sand, and the waves. I took a deep breath. I always feel this way when I'm at the ocean. I don't know what it is. It's what brings me peace. Amidst all the anxiety I carry on my shoulders all day every day, somehow, some way, when I'm at the shoreline, it all melts away. Maybe it's that vast expanse. I can't see the end. I can't even fathom it. Maybe it's the lack of a line- a deadline. A lack of expectation. A lack of certainty. A lack of something looming in the distance. There's nothing-- just peace and waves. It helps me somehow. And it makes me want to be near it permanently.

I mentioned it to my husband tonight over drinks. This is something I knew I probably shouldn't have done. And here's why. My husband lives 199% of his life to make me happy. He makes sure he's doing his job ALL the time. And when he's not, he comes begging forgiveness even before I know anything's wrong. He's the most selfless human being I've ever met and I am undoubtedly a lucky, lucky woman for snatching him up when I had the chance. So I knew when I said, I love the waves, they just make me happy, and I wish I could be near them all the time, what that would mean to him. And on cue, his face dropped. He can't move to the coast. He can't just uproot himself more than he already has (and this is the man who literally up and left EVERYTHING he ever knew in every possible way to be with me) to go to California, like he thinks I've always wanted. He has children that he's already 3 1/2 hours away from. And that's more than far enough.

I spent the next hour trying to explain to him that I didn't want to move. That I'm a million per cent totally happy with him exactly where we are in our lives right now. But that it's okay for each of us to have things we want to do in our lives. To have hopes and dreams. To have goals and aspirations. But his precious, precious heart only translates that if I want something and don't have it NOW, that he's failing. And that is SO not the case. I tried to explain, there are things in his life that he desperately wants. He has goals, he has dreams that have yet to come true. But I know those things have nothing really to do with me. I'm here to support him in those things, but I know that I can't MAKE them happen. But if and when the opportunity arrives, I will totally support him in walking through those doors!

And so the conversation turns to wants and needs. What's the difference? Which is good? Can they both be good? And here's my answer. I do not NEED to move. I do not NEED to be in that place where I feel best, creatively, geographically. What I DO need is... well, I had to pause. We've all watched enough romantic comedies and we've all listened to enough love songs to know what comes next. I need... ?? Nope. It's not "you." It's not. I learned this a looooong time ago. What I need is to continue to grow where I am. To explore this moment in my life. And to see what it holds for me. It's a gold mine, I tell you. It is. And it wouldn't be half what it is without my husband. I have never been so completely and unconditionally and selflessly loved by anyone in my life. Except maybe my dad. And when I can learn how to accept that love and fully grow into my personal potential inside that love, that's when my wants will eventually align with my needs. It's not a matter of I need YOU. It's a matter of I need to be the best ME for YOU. And that's what I want to be.

And so husband,

The fact that I have aspirations beyond today only means that you are loving me in a way that is unbelievable and helps me believe in myself. It means, baby, that you are being the best husband anyone can possibly be. And that you inspire me to be more. And you make me better. And I can only hope to do the same for you. You have the most beautiful and unique children I've ever met. They care for the people around them and are two of the most honest and genuine little people I've ever met. And I know that comes from their daddy. I would never in a million years want you to be away from them-- your influence in their lives is immeasurable and will continue to be long after they're grown. And I know that you will continue to grow as an individual, as I will, and they will see that, and grow into awesome people who contribute in positive ways to the world around them, because they saw their dad do it.

You have not failed me. And I have a sneaking suspicion you will do everything in your power to NEVER fail me. But I also know that, if you do, as I most certainly will you because that's my flawed and human way, your belief in me and your encouragement to realize my dreams and your willingness to provide covers any shortfall you may eventually have. I strive every day to love you the way you have loved me. And I'm still learning. Thank you for being patient.

And the waves will come. Not now, but when they need to. Right now home is where you are. And that is where I need to be. I love you.